"The" Series
My steps are slow, as I walk this corridor. It's the longest and yet shortest space I have ever walked. As my legs threaten to give way, I lean against the wall for support. My heart is beating so loud I swear, all that pass by can hear it. It's beat pounds through every pore of my skin, and squeezes all the air from my lungs--Oh God, it hurts.
I haven't spoken since the news and I will not. If I were to speak, my ears would have to listen. They would hear words--things that I do not want to know--so I refuse to speak--I refuse to hear.
I force myself from the wall, my feet falter, I demand that they move--they obey. The tears sting at my eyes, blurring my vision, wetting my face--slipping to my mouth. The tears are not salty but taste bitter--bitter for the suffering that I and others will have to endure this day.
This is a nightmare, one that I will never wake from. A nightmare that I will carry for the rest my nights--for the rest of my days.
I am wasting time with self pity and my time is running out, my pace quickens--no not right! I have plenty of time, it is another who's sand runs through too quickly.
I stand at his door, my heart stops--I allow myself to listen. I hear it--the sound of the machine, telling me you still live--I have time.
Taking a deep breath, I enter the room. I had seen this before on others but not you. You were so strong, my fort, now defenceless and fragile. For moment with my eyes closed, I see you standing in front of me strong, free of this pain, but I remember reality is only a blink away.
I hesitate to touch, my hands hovering a breath from skin, but I need to feel you. The touch is electric as my fingers gently remember your face. A brittle body hides a fierce and proud heart--a heart fighting--a heart that flows into mine.
I lean in close, so you can hear my plea, I whisper for only for you to hear. " Open your eyes, look at me. Tell death to go to hell." Your eyes flicker, my hope rises, your eyes cease movement--but it's not over yet.
I place my hand on your chest, feeling the rhythmic beating of your heart, I savour the life force. A force that has protected and loved me with such a passion, that there was never a doubt, that I always safe--always loved.
You never once doubted or gave up on me, I owe you the same. I will not leave you, I will not give up--never as long as breath flows through us both.
I look around the room, so sterile, so empty of any emotions, " Till I got here, now it's positively over flowing, hey Pop!" I smile at that--you would too if you had heard me. " God, is this how you felt when I was here? Did I look this...breakable."
Taking a deep breath, I grab a chair. Luckily it is only a few steps away, "Well Pop, if you are going to be comfortable then so am I." I don't sit, more like collapse on to the seat, my legs refusing to hold me any longer. I grip them, trying to stop them from trembling, but I find it's not my legs that are shaking--it's me.
My quivering hand clutches at your still one and I grasp it, holding on for dear life. "One more hurdle we have to face, that's all Pop. We've beaten death so many times. Oh I know our luck has to run out eventually, but not yet--so many thing undone, unsaid."
"Okay I know what you would say--but Peter there is a time for everything,--seasons. A season for everything, like death and life, you cannot stop fate. Maybe you can't Pop--but I know how hard you tried with mom. If there had been away to turn back time, you would have done it--do you expect me to do any less for you."
"You know Pop, if I am boring you, you can tell me to be quiet,actually I would like to hear you tell me--come on tell me to shut up--I dare you."
"Okay, not ready yet, that's okay, I can wait. I know, now your stunned--Your son has learnt patience! Well, just a little bit Pop, I still think I have a few more slaps owed in that department yet, and who else is going to give them to me but you."
"By the way I think you are owed one yourself. What on earth were you thinking Pop? You barreled into that situation, not even thinking of your own safety--what am I going do with you?--You can't save the world--Damn it Pop! I am really angry at...scared I am going to lose you."
The last visitor has just left, and I'm sort of glad, I know they mean well Pop, but I'm tired of fighting their good intentions. They tell me to go home, that I won't do you any good staying here, but I am staying, until you wake up and tell me to go. My fear overrides everything else, the fear that if I go even for a minute, you will leave me. If you must go, and you will go over my kicking and screaming body--you will not leave with no one to say goodbye to you.
Poor Mary Margaret, she was so upset, I've never seen her like that before. I knew she'd been crying, though she tried to hide it, you know she likes you a whole lot Pop. You could do worse, she is a great friend and partner, more than that, she's a wonderful lady, but don't ask me to call her mum. Then again maybe just once so I can see the reaction on her face-- it might be worth the kick in the butt I'd get.
Kermit has just left, thought I might want to know what happened to that...person you tried to help. He's here you know, just a few rooms down, lost in that world of his own making. I know what your thinking, don't worry, I'm not going to do anything to him, he's not worth taking a second of my time away from you. Though I can't help remembering that time, when that junkie shot me, I nearly died but you forgave him. I don't know how you do it--forgive I mean. How do you forgive some one that hurts the innocent, making them pay in retaliation for their own pain and anger-- I don't think I can forgive.
Sorry Pop... I stand and walk to the window, taking a deep breath, trying to control the anger that surges every time I think of him and what he nearly took from you--from me. Then I hear it...NO! That noise, it pierces my heart...God no Pop!
I start to move forward but a flurry of activity, the doctors and nurses starting the next battle for your life stops me. I feel my world spinning as I fall back against the wall, my arms crossed as I try and hold on to my faith, my hope--on to you.
With each jerk of your body as they fight to save your life, I recoil further down the wall until I find myself on the floor in the corner, my head buried into my knees--trapped in this nightmare.
There is something grotesque but noble in what they do to a your body to keep it alive. Tired and weak, you are jolted back, I know, an invasion of your peace and serenity. I don't know what you would want if you can see this. Would you want this struggle or would you wish to left alone, to die in peace?
I sit here begging every universal being I can think of to save you, crying to the heavens--take me instead. So lost am I, in my pleas, I don't hear who won, until a hand on my shoulder brings me back. Taking a deep breath, I lift my head. A nurse smiles, and then I hear it, the sweetest sound I have ever heard, your heat beating--another battle won.
The tears still fall, as the doctor explains, and then leaves us, as I lean over your bed, and gently kiss you top of your head.
I wasn't ready Pop, I wasn't touching you, telling you I was here. Oh Pop, I'm sorry. If it's too hard, if it hurts to much, I understand, I love you too much to make you stay--if it's too hard--let go.
I came to the realisation today Pop, that I was being selfish. I was expecting that my love for you was more important than any one else's. It ripped at my heart to leave you but I owed you and Mary Margaret time alone.
I find myself wandering the corridors, watching others as they too, have their own struggles in pain--theirs being no less or more than mine.
Without even knowing it I arrive at his door, it was not a deliberate decision--more an unconscious thought. I know it's his room because a police officer stands guard at the entrance. The officer looks at me with compassion for knows who I am and the relationship I have to this man.
I know I shouldn't but I ask to see him. The officer is hesitant, but I promise that I will not touch him. He agrees but gives me only a few minutes.
I begin to enter trying to control the hatred that is like a fever to me, I center myself, explaining so that I understand, that hurting him will not help you. Your looks of disappointment, that would brand my soul, is all that I need to remember-- to know this is not what you would want. With out a glance I closed the door and walk away.
I am part way down the corridor when the alarm rings out, I know that another round in your battle has begun. I run, crashing into Mary Margaret as she flees from your room, her tears no longer hidden from me. She clings to me as I do to her, each lost in our own pain and terrors.
After what seems like enternity, the doctor comes and explains again, how you are still with us for now, but for how much longer--how long can your body fight at the same strength as you will.
I have nearly lost you twice now. These constant wages of war between life and death, exhaust me, as I teeter with you on the brink of your abyss, waiting to see to which side you fall.
~ I stand in the middle of the your empty room, the silence, surrounds and smothers me. I cry out your name and my echo is my only answer. I become more frantic as I run from the room, the halls are empty, every thing and every one is gone. My despair overwhelms me as I fall to me knees, I scream for some one to hear, " Why did you leave me again? Why am I always alone?"~
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I startle myself wake, my heart pounds as I wipe my forehead, with the back of my free hand. I take a moment to stop calm myself another day, another nightmare. Is this what I have to look forward to, if you leave me?
I still surprise myself that I haven't grown enough to stand on my own, even at my age, I still act like a child. Lost, frightened, scared of facing this world without my heroes to help me. What will I do without you?
My hero, I smile at that, you always seemed like superman to me, my childhood teacher, protector and father. As an adult and with you back in my life, it was my childhood all over again. All my insecurities came back to haunt to me, but again you there to explain, to teach -- to love. What happens now?
Me, me, me. I am so selfish, sitting here thinking , I, me, my, this isn't about me, it's about you and your pain, and what you are thinking where you are? So where are you now? Are you feeling lost, alone? Or are you happy where you are, calm and peaceful?
I wish I knew for sure, I wish...
How many wishes and deals have I made while waiting here, Hundreds--thousands?
My fingers lightly trace the proud tiger, that graces your arm and tears fall, as I look at the bare skin of mine. Through the blurring haze I suddenly see my arm with the same brand--my destiny? Or your wish? And would I be able to make that decision without you?
I have counted every crack and every tile. I know each nurse by their footsteps and I have listened to the rhythm of your breathing for so long, I now breathe in time with you-- we now breathe as one.
I miss you calm and serenity, the warmth of it, that covered me like a blanket on a cold night. I have forgotten what it is to be happy and at peace. I know Pop, I can hear you laughing, peace and your son, don't exactly go together, but I was learning or trying to--until now.
I am an open wound, raw and bleeding, I need you to heal me-- I just need you.
*********************
I rest my head on the bed, gradually falling asleep, and dream as I have for days now--of you. My dream is so real as I feel your touch through my hair, and your gentle voice calling me--so real
I wake with a start, wiping the tears that have fallen, even in sleep I cannot escape my painfully reality.
As I move to raise myself, I feel a weight on my head. Clearing the misty haze of sleep, I reach, finding your hand, where it had come to rest.
My heart begins to pound as I clasp your hand in mine, and stand to look into your face. Your eyelids are still-- you are still. My heart sinks--a dream.
A faint pressure draws my attention to my hand, I watch through tears as your fingers gently fold around mine. I am having trouble seeing--wondering is this just dream.
A small flicker of eyelash, a tiny flinch of lip. I become hopeful but try to keep myself restrained, I don't want to fall too far this time, patience Peter.
The touch weakens and stills, Don't you do this to me, do you hear me, Pop! You can't give me hope, only to snatch it, like that damn matchbook from my hand. I lean closer to you, my hand caressing yours, I kiss your forehead, as I try to will you back with love alone.
Time and my heart stand still as I wait what seems an eternity for you to show me a glimpse of return. I become a microscope, reading each pore and muscle for a flinch of restoration--a twitch of life.
Again! I saw it, I felt it. My heart threatens to erupt with the passion of joy and hope I'm feeling. I know I should get the doctor but I'm not leaving until I know for sure. Until I know that you won't slip beneath the waves of darkness to drift away from me again.
Come on Pop, you can do it! For me, you will do for me, right?
I shiver as, I feel your grip tighten, weak but stronger than before. That's it Pop, your are nearly here, soon you will have come so far that you can't go back.
I run my fingers through your hair, each stroke a plea. A little bit further Pop, one more step. I receive a reward, as you eyelids move again.
My breathing is jumping from non existent to out of control, as I wait. Again Pop, another step for me. I know you are trying I can feel your struggle to come back, you can't stop...Please another step.
A tear falls, sliding-- leaving my face to splash on to yours. I catch myself smiling in hopeful expectation, as your eyes flutter in reaction.
Look at me Pop, please, open your eyes and look at me!
My world revolves around your eyes, praying, begging.
In slow motion, your eyelids quiver, and for a moment they stop, then--you are--you are looking at me.
As I watch you trying to focus, I can see a thousand thoughts and questions running through you mind, none are important now. I kiss you, as I tell you I love you and now that I know that you will wake--rest--sleep.
For a moment, as I watch your eyes close again, the fear creeps upmy spine, and I shiver, but only a moment, for this time--I know you're not leaving me.
*********************
The darkness that had enveloped me, lifted its gauze like veil, until I could see the face of my son, his eyes glistening with tears. I watched as he leant down and kissed my forehead, his touch so gentle and full of love--a tired but peaceful sleep takes me.
********************
I came so close to losing him this time. The fear is still there, I carry it deep within me, knowing my father's trust and compassion could put him here again--or worse. But for now he's with me, and as I stand back watching friends and well wishes come and go, I suddenly feel--lost. Why? God this so stupid, I got what I bargained the heavens for--what is wrong with me?
*******************
I see Peter, as he stands back from the others. He looks thin and exhausted. I become aware that I might have been the one that was injured, but my son was the one who suffered. His happiness at my recovery has left a maze of emotions that he struggles to control.
Lo Si picks up my need to be alone with my son and ushers my visitors from the room, explaining my need to rest.
"Peter please, sit." I gesture to the chair that has been his seat and bed for many days now. I hear him sigh, as wearily moves to sit beside me. " Talk to me Peter."
I was going leave, just for moment get my head straight. I should've have known that Pop would have picked up on my confusion, even in his weak state. It has only been a couple of days, but I still couldn't put anything past him.
"Talk to me Peter."
I look to see him gazing at me so intently, waiting to hear what I have to say. " Pop, I'm overwhelmed that's all...it's been a long week."
"For you, it has, you have barely left my side. Your sole purpose for the last week has been to be here for me, to be my strength, to be my center--to be my reason to return. If it had not been for you, I might not be here now." Taking my hand he gently caressed it, as I remember myself doing to him, not so long ago." This is what I remember in my darkness. This, your voice and your unwillingness to let me go. It was your stubbornness--your constant love-- that is what brought me back."
I find the tears falling, in spite of all my efforts to stop them, as the words I want to speak, choke," Why am I...I feeling this way? Pop...I prayed, I cursed...I tried to make deal with the heavens to get you back...I got my wish...I got all my wishes of a lifetime. Your here, you will be as good as new. What is wrong with me?"
He calls me closer and smiles that wonderful smile I have missed so much. Placing his palm tenderly to my cheek, and as my tears now flow freely, I hear him explain to me" There is nothing wrong with you Peter. You spent so long living and fighting for the two of us, you have lost your own sense of balance, it will pass." I feel his fingers as they rub at my cheek and he stares deeply into my eyes," Thank you Peter, thank you for bringing me home."
Laying my head on the bed, beside him, I allow myself, my first real peace and relax under the touch of my father's hand.
"I love you my son."
I smile as I begin to drift to sleep," I love you Pop, in equal balance."
I wouldn't say I bounded, but my steps were light and quick as I made my way to Pop's rooms. Knowing he was home and nearly healed was all I could ask and did ask for.
Calling to him, I received no answer, but I did hear a noise coming from the kitchen, "Lo Si?" I called.
I stand at the doorway, stunned and angry," Pop! What the hell do you think you are doing?"
My father, the man who only a short eights days earlier had been fighting for his life, was now reaching to a high bench, balancing on a stool.
Running to his side I helped him down," Damn it Pop! What the hell..."
I see my father silencing me with his hand," I am not a invalid Peter, I was just..."
No my turn," Just what? Trying to undo all the good work the hospital did. Put yourself in my shoes, what would you say to me if you saw me doing the same thing?...Well?"
My anger fades and I have to try to stop myself from laughing as I see his eyes drop in apology, reminding of a boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
" I am sorry my son you are right. Third jar from the right please."
"Third jar from the right... okay, third jar from the right." I mumble under my breath. Shaking my head, I leap on the stool and retrieve the jar he wanted. "Where is Lo Si anyway? I thought the deal was, I get you out of hospital a little bit early, as long as you have some one with you at all times--damn Pop! You need a keeper as much I do?"
" The Ancient is with a patient...I told him I would behave."
" And he believed you?" Sighing I give up, I knew I wasn't going to get him to rest, the least I could do was help him.
"Okay what can I do?" I asked, looking lost at the sea of dried herbs and plants that littered the table. How I was ever supposed to learn this one day, well, it was beyond me.
He stopped what he was doing and looked at me for the longest time, " You can talk to me and I will talk to you."
It was a simple statement which carried more meaning than it implied. I stared back at him, not knowing where to start, but I didn't have to.
"I am sorry... if I frightened you Peter."
I let a small chuckle go," It's okay Pop, I suppose it wasn't that far to fall."
He looks at me more intently, " No...I was speaking of the shooting...I fell a long way that time... I fell away from you."
The memory pushed the air out of my mouth, as I looked away trying not to show him that my fears had not quite left me yet. " Yeah, a long way but you came back."
I watch as Pop puts his tools down and comes around to stand in front of me, " Am I forgiven?"
I don't understand," Forgiven?"
He steps closer," Have you forgiven me for risking the life of the man you love and need so much."
I feel my chin start to tremble, as I feel my eyes start to water.
Pop stepped closer to me, cupping my face in his hands, causing the tears that had been threatening to fall, to spill and glide down my cheeks. The sheer force of the love that was emanating from him, blinded all my senses to everything but him.
I sat unable to move, mesmerised by his eyes, by his touch, " You are my life Peter, without you I am nothing, with you I have everything I need and more so, if that is the way you feel about me, then I ask your forgiveness, for risking my life."
I feel his lips, as they kiss my cheek and as his hands let go, he takes me into his arms and holds me.
I copy his action, as I relish the smell and touch that is my father, "Nothing to forgive," my words choke." You were being Caine, wouldn't have you any other way."
I eventually Reluctantly let go, and looking at him, I take a deep breath and I smile." One thing Pop, I do love you...but next time, take your own advice...Duck." Becoming brave and thinking I will never get another chance, I give his cheek a small tap with the tips of my fingers. He looks shocked, as I shrug," Sorry Pop, just had to push the lesson in."
I laugh as he shakes his finger at me, then he bows, as he smiles at me," One is never to old to listen and learn...I shall, as you say...duck ...next time."