THE CASE OF THE DEAD DETECTIVES
By Wendy and Judy

The squad room was abnormally quiet. No homicides to spoil the joy of catching up with long over due paper work. Lost in the passion of dotting the I's and crossing the T's, Detectives Thomas Ryan and Cassandra St John were startled by the guttural scream that shattered their procedural silence. Pencils were left abandoned as the two police officers ran toward the source of the noise.

Bursting into the Captain's office, the two ex-lovers were surprised to see their boss picking himself up from the floor.

"Harry!" The both called in unison as they rushed to the Captain's aid.

Allowing himself to be helped to his feet, Harry nodded his thanks as he replaced his spectacles and took his seat back behind his desk.

Both detectives were more than slightly curious as to what had caused their boss' to be floundering on the floor like he had, though Tom was quicker than Cassy to voice it.

"Harry, what the hell happened? It's not Frannie, is it?"

Slightly embarrassed to have been found in the situation he had been, Harry shrugged off their concerns for his wife, "Oh no, Tom, my dear Frannie is fine, thank God, but I did get some news," he said as he bit his lip painfully.

"What is it Harry? What happened?" Cassy asked, urging the older man to spill his guts, as she and Tom took a seat.

"Well... Ouch," he said as he stubbed his toe on his desk leg. "First it was Chris--like a son to me that boy was," he said wistfully as he thought of his late detective Chris Lorenzo, "Now," he continued as his lips trembled against the pain in his toe, "Holly and Michael have been murdered."

Cassy and Tom looked at Harry then at each other. Frowning, they tried to remember who the hell Harry was talking about.

"Holly?" Cassy whispered to her ex-husband.

"Michael?"

" We have a murder to solve. Barbie and Ken...I mean Holly and Michael... were found murdered at the annual Raspberry awards."

"Raspberry Awards, Harry?" Tom asked.

"Don't you know anything ,Thomas? Raspberry Awards are given to actors whose acting ability is somewhat lacking," Cassy explained.

"Well, why the hell would I know that, Cass? That seems more in your area of expertise." Tom gloated.

"Bitch!" he swore softly.

"Bad loser," she retorted.

"Jeez, children!" Harry interrupted, "If I could have your attention just for a couple of minutes. Do I have to put you two into separate corners?" Harry exasperatingly asked as he struggled to hide the elation he had felt at the news. He hated to admit that the tangled mess he was found in was caused as he danced around the room in jubilation. But even as he deliberately stubbed his toe into the hard wood of his desk, and desperately bit his lip, his joy was struggling to gain voice.

"How were they killed, Harry?" Cassy asked as she stuck her tongue out at Thomas.

Sighing, Harry overlooked the one fingered salute that Tom returned to his partner. "Both were killed with a blunt instrument that was found beside their bodies. It was a Raspberry award with their names engraved on it."

"At least they died winners," Tom shrugged, still finding it hard to place the dead detectives' faces. "Any witnesses?"

"One, though she isn't saying much at the moment," Harry replied as he read the name hastily noted on his note pad, "A Lisa Johanson. Tom, I want you to go and see this Johanson woman. Cassy, I want you to go and check out the bodies, see what you can find out from the coroner."

"Why me?" Cassy whined, as she screwed up her face, "Why do I have to do the icky stuff?"

"Because I say so, and because Tom, being the strapping, good looking, hunk of man he is, will be able to get more information out of this woman than you can. I mean, just because you didn't want him, doesn't mean another women aren't susceptible to his charms, Cassy." Harry said as he peered over his glasses.

"Thank you Harry," Tom nodded with some degree of satisfaction.

"Oh, pu-leeze," Cassy said with a yawn and a roll of her eyes. Resigning herself to the inevitable smell of death, the blonde detective rose from her seat and made her way to the door.

"I will just get the keys to *my* Mustang and drive over to the morgue. Catch ya later Thomas, if you can get *your* car started that is." she winked.

"Witch!"

"Sticks and stones, Thomas. I still own the car. I wonder how the Mustang would look painted purple with yellow flowers?" she wondered out-loud as closed the door behind her.

The arrows Tom's eyes shot at his self-obsessed partner as she exited, had they been real, would surely have severed her spine.

"Harry, I am warning you right now. If she touches that car's paint job again, you're going to have another dead detective on your hands."Tom paced the office, wringing his hands, while Harry rolled his eyes heavenward and prayed for divine intervention.

"She desecrated it once; I couldn't bear it if she did it again." He collapsed into a nearby chair, overcome with despair.

"Oh God Harry. I'd rather fall in love with a woman that uses me, while setting me up for a murder I didn't commit. Then, while she gets me to betray my friends and ex-wife, I say something that any normal, understanding ex-wife would know I didn't mean, as I then proceed to throw my life away."

Harry snatched out a set of headphones from the desk, popping in a tape of the greatest hits of The Fu Fighters. He smiled as the mellow tones drowned out his detective's ongoing litany.

" I would then kill this gorgeous woman," Tom continued. " Accidentally, of course, as I defend myself from her murderous intentions and would be forced to relate a confession as I bleed profusely on the floor. Anything would be better than a purple Mustang with bloody yellow flowers!!!!"

******************************

The great Victorian hall had lost some of the glitter of the evening as the guests sat in stunned silence around the elegant ballroom.

Tom's eyes were entranced by the huge silver disco ball that hung over the dancing floor. He was suddenly transported to another time. Another place. Funky town.

~Flashback~

He was dancing like he had never danced before. His feet chasing the ever changing neon patchwork floor pads under his feet. With tight pants and shirt open to his waist, his body writhed and tapped its way to the disco beat of Lo Si and the Shaolin Bee Gees. The lead singer's voice riding the musical wave, with the words to the top ten hit, Do You See the Grasshopper at your Feet?

~End of flashback~

"Sorry? Grasshopper??" He asked the young officer that had suddenly appeared in front of him.

"Outlines, do you see the outlines at your feet?" the officer repeated to the seemingly dazed detective.

Looking past the young man, Tom saw the chalked outlines of where the two detectives fell. "Yes, I do, thank you. Very nicely done. The lines are perfect. I am looking for a Ms. Lisa Johanson. Do you know where I can find her?" Ryan asked as

"The witness?" The young man nodded "Oh, she's over there. Bit of all right she is too, if you know what I mean," the young man nudged the detective as he pointed to a beautiful dark blonde woman that sat against the far wall, her fingers lightly dabbing a white handkerchief to her moist eyes.

Tom had to agree; this Lisa was a bit of all right and he found his trousers becoming a little uncomfortable as he walked over the chalked outlines toward his only witness. After all it had been a long time since he had had a meaningful relationship; oh hell ,any relationship for that matter.

Sometimes he wished he could be like Cassy, going from one relationship to another without a care in the world, but he couldn't. He wasn't Cassandra St John, good time girl. He was Thomas Ryan, athlete hunk and all around nice guy.

Walking past a table supporting a bowl of punch, Tom pulled a white carnation from a Ming vase that decorated the spread. Not as pretty smelling as jasmine, still, it was a lovely flower.

"A beautiful flower, for a beautiful wall flower," he smiled as offered the scented bloom to the sobbing woman.

Hiccuping a couple of times, Lisa blew her nose as she looked up at the handsome man who stooped down to offer the floral tribute. "Why thank you sir. It is very gallant of you," she smiled back as brought the bloom to her nose. "It's beautiful, Mr....?"

"Ryan , Detective Thomas Ryan, ma'am,"

"Oh, " she seemed a little disappointed, "so this isn't a gift, it's a bribe to make me tell you what I saw?"

Tom was too lost in her deep blue eyes and lilting Texas drawl to notice that he had apparently upset his only witness. "No M'lady, it is a gesture of how beautiful I think you are and of how much I would like to get to know you better." he responded.

*******************************

Back at the Morgue

"Who are you?" Cassy asked, watching as a bloodily attired person of unknown sexual persuasion balanced on tip-toe, a bowed head buried deep inside the chest cavity of the dead male detective. "Where's Morton?"

Without pulling her head from the corpse, the woman answered the detective's question, her voice muffled by the surrounding body. "Poor Morton, he had a frog in his throat, had to go and get some rest. So I took over for him. The name's Olga. Can you pass me that saw, please?" the stranger asked as she reached out her fingers to clasp at the air.

"Can we, umm, talk before you get too involved in there?" Cassy asked as she backed away from the sight.

"Oh, okay," Olga answered as she pulled herself from the body. Wiping a strand of hair from her face, the coroner left a bloody trail across her forehead as she held out her hand to introduce herself formally.

Cassy involuntarily stepped back as the hulking woman stepped forward . "You look vaguely familiar. Haven't I seen you in some of those Ironman competitions on ESPN?"

"You might have," the woman smiled. "And how can I make your day, Miss...."

Waving off the bloodied hand, Cassy smiled, "Detective Cassandra St John, nice to meet you. I'm here for the report on the deaths of the two detectives.....ummm, Ken and....no, I mean Holly and Michael." she recovered.

"Detective St John?? Oh God, you are married to that hunk Tom Ryan aren't you? Oh, be still my aching heart. No offense there, buddy." Olga smiled as she elbowed the deceased on the table.

"* Was * married!" Cassy amended.

"Oh," Olga smiled. "Isn't that a shame. D.I.V.O.R.C.E., " she sang as she pulled off her gloves and offered her hand again. "Well, what can I do for you, Detective St John?" she asked as she reached over to the table and picked up her half eaten liverwurst sandwich, the ketchup oozing out the sides of the bread.

"Well, letting me know about how Ke...Michael died would be a start." Cassy shuddered as she watched the coroner bite into the sandwich, ketchup dripping down the sides of her mouth.

The woman's eyes suddenly lit up as she gestured excitedly for Cassy to follow her to the body, "You gotta see this," she mumbled, as she continued to chew her food.

"No I don't, " Cassy answered as she stood her ground.

Shrugging, Olga swallowed the last of the sandwich and pointed to the body, "Well, the murderer cracked their craniums. Stove in their skulls. Bashed their bones and heaved into their heads." she recounted a bit too excitedly.

"So they were killed by a blunt instrument?" Cassy interpreted.

"Well, " Olga answered, a bit disappointed, "If you want to be boring about it, yes, a blunt instrument." she pouted. <No wonder Tom left her. She's no fun at all. Wonder if he's ever had a REAL woman....>

"Okayyyyyyy," Cassy said nervously as she stepping back toward the door very slowly. This woman was scaring her and she was going to get out of here as fast as possible. "Anything else I should know?"

"Oh yeah, "Olga smiled, "My phone number, so that you can give it to that gorgeous, and available ,Tom Ryan." Olga gave the departing detective a lecherous stare. "Or you could keep it for yourself, sweet cakes."

"The dating game, I'm not," Cassy huffed as she backed out of the room.

"Feel that, Ken?" Olga spoke to the body as she watched Cassy leave, "it just got warmer in here. That woman is *cold*," she shivered.

"Now," she said, turning back to the body, "We have a date, you big hunk of burning love. Just let me just slap on some latex and we can get down and dirty," she smiled as she reached for a fresh set of gloves. "Iorta get back to work." She laughed out loud at her own joke, "Iorta-- Aorta get it, Ken!! Man, I love my work."

Tom couldn't help staring at the distraught witness as her bosom heaved in a hypnotic dance, the spell broken when she honked her nose into a sodden handkerchief.

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Ryan,"

"Tom, please," the concerned detective said as he sat down beside the distraught woman.

"Tom," she sniffed, as she fluttered her eyes, smiling coyly. "I'm sorry you have to see me like this. You know it was such a lovely night...until they came," her face darkening at the memory.

"They?" Tom asked as he yawned, stretching his arms and slipping one around the witness's shoulder to calm her trembling body.

"The two detectives," Lisa explained as she turned to face the enthralled officer. "Do you know you have the most beautiful hazel eyes I have ever seen?" she asked as she leaned in closer.

Tom squirmed uncomfortably in his seat as his eyes traveled down to her ample cleavage as she leaned in toward him. Clearing his throat, Tom pried his eyes away. "Umm, thank you, Lisa. May I call you Lisa?" he asked.

"Honey, you can call me anytime," she winked as she wiggled closer.

"Uhem-- about the murders. What exactly happened?" Tom asked as pulled at his shirt collar.

"Murders?" Lisa asked ,confused, before remembering what had happened, "Oh, yes, sorry. Well, the two detectives were boring the hell out of everyone tonight. They had the audacity to show clips of some of their cases. I mean it was sickening stuff. I had to take some Pepto Bismol just to calm my stomach."

Tom was quite concerned for his witness and future love interest. "Are you all right now?" he asked.

"Oh, now that they are sidewalk chalk drawings, yes I am, thank you," she replied as she swung a leg over the strong and concerned detective's lap. "And what about you, are you all right? Anything I can help you with?"

Stretching his neck, and wiping at the sweat that now beaded the top of his lip, Tom tried to ignore the presence of the shapely limb that now adorned his lap. "No, I'm fine," he said in a mouse like squeak, before clearing his throat again, "Just fine," his voice baritoned. "Now, Lisa, about these murders...."

"Honey, I'm home," a voice interrupted in a bad imitation of Desi Arnaz.

Tom jumped at the sound of the voice, his violent movement sending Lisa crashing to the floor.

"Ouch!" Lisa cried as she rubbed her now tender butt.

"Sorry, Lisa," Tom apologized as he glared back at his ex-wife. "My partner's voice has that effect on me. Like nails down a blackboard." he explained as he lifted the witness from the floor.

"What are you doing here?" He snarled at Cassy as he brushed off the dirt from Lisa's body with his hand. "I thought you were supposed to be whispering sweet nothings into Morton's ear?"

"He wasn't there," Cassy answered, watching intently as Tom's hand moved seductively over the witness's body as he attempted to clean her dress. <He never dusted dirt off me like that> Shaking her head, she tried to ignore the moans coming from the young lady that Tom was assisting as she continued. "Morton was....sick, but the temp...agreed with Harry...," Cassy had had enough, "I think she is clean now, Thomas!" she huffed.

Tom stopped, looking into the glazed and enraptured eyes of the witness, "Okay Lisa?" he asked, "Sorry about that."

Pulling out a cigarette and lighting up, Lisa inhaled deeply. "I'm not," she sighed as she collapsed into the chair.

Looking past her partner to the seemingly sated woman in the chair, Cassy sniffed in contempt. "Well, did she give you a description of the killer?"

"You checking up on me?" Tom asked tersely.

"Do you need checking up on?" Cassy shot back.

*Ding Ding*

"Children!" Harry's voice boomed as he put the gong down, and allowed the scantily clad girl holding the round two card to pass. "You both need checking up on."

"OH GOD! THAT'S HIM!"

All eyes turned to Lisa as she pointed excitedly toward Harry. Leaping up from her seat she rushed over toward the captain and began planting kisses all over his face.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you," she repeated over and over . "You saved us." she cried.

"Whoa! Harry?" Tom asked more than a tad jealous that Lisa seemed to be so fickle.

Cassy couldn't help smiling. "Ryan doesn't get to do the horizontal tango again!"

Ignoring his partner's jibe and wondering if she was right, Tom pulled Lisa off Harry. "What the hell is going on here? Harry? Is there something you want to tell us? Or tell Frannie?"

Harry sighed as he walked over to the chalked outlines. "I killed them."

"What?" the two partners cried out in unison.

"They came to see me two nights ago. They told me that they knew Cassy was planning on leaving,"

Tom swung around to look at Cassy, "Leaving? Why? We get passable ratings. The cases are better than they have ever been? Why, Cass?"

"HELLO! I'm confessing here," Harry called for attention.

"Sorry Harry," Tom apologized as he glared at Cassy.

"Anyway, they said that as Cassy was leaving, that would mean that you would be going ,too, Thomas. I knew they were right, I knew it. That's when they told me... they were going to the police chief and going to get reassigned back at the precinct again."

"Oh God, the sick bastards!" Tom said angrily.

"I know, I couldn't let that happen. They were going to force themselves back into the precinct, back into the community. I couldn't allow that. I came here last night to talk to them. Explain that no one wanted them back. That they had been plastic jokes to everyone, but they wouldn't listen. They laughed at the chemistry between you and Cass," Harry turned to Tom and then to Cassy.

"Holly said it was utterly ridiculous that a woman would totally ignore the fact the a gorgeous, intelligent, gentle, romantic man like Tom loved her and she would instead chose losers and assholes in his place."

"Well that's true," Tom agreed.

"Shut up Ryan!" Cassy sniped. "At least I got laid."

"Like a mattress," Tom volleyed.

"ANYWAY!" Harry sighed as he took off his glasses. "They refused to listen so I asked to look at their statue and then bashed their skulls in with it .With Cassy and you leaving, I had nothing to lose."

"You did that for me, Harry?" Cassy asked softly.

"He did it for us, Cassy. US!" Tom corrected.

Holding out his hands, Harry waited for his two detectives to stop and realize they still had some police work to finish. "Uhem!"

Both detectives stopped at looked at Harry, then at each other.

"We're not going to arrest you Harry," Tom said as he gently pushed Harry's offered hands down.

"But..,"

"No buts, Harry. You did the community a great service. You stopped what could have a been a major catastrophe to the public. No one wants to see you punished for that." Cassy agreed.

"Lisa!" Tom called to the witness, "Tell us what your saw again," Tom smiled as he leant down and nibbled at her ear.

Lisa's knees went weak as she moaned, leaning into the warm body of the police officer. "I saw nothing," she groaned in a Schultz-like impression, "And I will keep on saying that, if you will drive me home and take *down* my new statement?"

"Captain, I think this case is going to remain unsolved. Shame about that," he smiled as picked Lisa up in his arms, "Oh and Cassy, remember our honeymoon?"

Cassy's face blushed as she remembered that exhausting night. "Yes, Tom I remember," she sighed.

"Good, cause that's all you'll have--memories. Cause tonight Lisa's going to get the real thing." he smiled as he walked out to the strains of *Love lifts us up where we belong* blaring from the hall speakers.

"Shit!" Cassy cursed as she watched the only man she ever really love leave with another woman.

Harry nodded and then passed Cassy a bucket and rag. "You had your chance, St John, and you stole his Mustang. What did you expect?" Harry commiserated with his detective as he patted her on the back.

"Okay, we have some chalk lines to rub out."

The silly end