Note: The idea for this FanFic sprout up in CPChat, the chat room about Chris Potter, when Deb, Maria, and myself were discussing FanFic as well as various ways we could entice more of the CP BBS readers to join CPChat. It occurred to us that a story which featured various posters upon the CP BBS would not only be a unique, humorous FanFic angle, but would also provide others with an idea of the type of fun that could be had in a chat setting. We literally brainstormed the plot right there in chat. Even Deb, who claims not to be any kind of FanFic writer, got involved in the process of creating this FanFic. So, I'm not going to hang alone for this one! This FanFic features an unlikely cast of characters: Various people who regularly post to the Chris Potter BBS (ie, Julie, June, Monica, Mimi, Carolyn, etc), Tom Ryan, Peter Caine, Frank (from Lonesome Dove), Kwai Chang Caine, and Chris Potter himself. It is definitely meant to be a comedic farce.

JG

CAN WE CHAT?

A story by Debbie, Maria, and JG

"Did you hear the news about Julie?", Terri typed upon her computer keyboard. Terri was logged into an Internet chat room dedicated to her favorite actor, Chris Potter, and chatting with several of her friends.

"No, what happened to her?", came the typed response from Linda, another fan of Chris Potter.

"Julie is missing and no one knows where she is or what has happened to her", Terri urgently reported. "June posted a message upon the Chris Potter web site that Julie has disappeared from the hospital where Julie was being treated. Her last known visitor was a Shaolin priest named Kwai Chang Caine, who offered Julie some herbs to help her overcome her uncontrollable urge to grab his son Peter in a bearhug everytime she saw him".

"That's terrible!", Emily intoned in shock.

"It sure is", replied Terri. "They had to use a crowbar to free poor Peter from her grasp".

As the news of Julie's disappearance spread among the readers of the Chris Potter web site, everyone was stunned to hear about the strange circumstances. A few days passed without any word from Julie, but also, people noticed that June hadn't been posting any updates either. "Has anyone heard from June about the situation with Julie?", queried Vicky worriedly. "I sent June an email message days ago, but she hasn't responded".

"I heard that June went to see Chris Potter play at a celebrity hockey game. Perhaps she is unable to post messages to the board at this time", explained Monica. Of course, everyone was willing to believe Monica because they knew that Monica always had the answers to all trivia questions.

But by the following week, everyone agreed that it seemed much too unusual that June hadn't followed up with any subsequent messages. Soon after, their worst fears were confirmed. Faye posted the announcement upon the board.

"June is also missing now! Her last known whereabouts were at a celebrity hockey game in which Chris Potter played. It appears that June was last seen going backstage after the game to get Chris' autograph. She happened to walk into the locker room as he was changing his shirt, and fainted. The paramedics took June to the same hospital from which Julie disappeared. The police are investigating some connection with the hospital", Faye reported.

"What is the world coming to?", NancyN cried. "There are some real nuts out there. First they fail to schedule any Chris Potter TV programming for Saturday, and now THIS...". A sense of remorse and loss fell over the board's readers, much like how each one felt when she had first discovered that Chris Potter was already married.

It was less than a week later when more, terrible news was posted to the BBS. "I have just received word from Monica's family that she has failed to return from a FuFest convention", Joi proclaimed in a BBS post. "Monica was last seen browsing through some Kung Fu FanFic merchandise. It isn't known whether any foul play is involved, or whether she was so engrossed in her reading that she took the wrong exit off of the highway and perhaps is somewhere in Ecuador now".

"It's possible that she was distracted", Bonnie agreed. "I recall when we both met Chris Potter in person. Chris looked at us and Monica was so flustered that she could barely walk forward to greet him. I remember how difficult it was for her to take each step, because my knees had given out and she was propping me up all of the way".

"This is getting very distressing!", Maria declared in terror. "All of the CP Fans are disappearing mysteriously! Now I won't be able to find anyone to send me a videotape of Chris' Silk Stalkings parrot dance!".

Two days later, Carolyn Cooper disappeared, and the CP BBS crashed, permanently wiping out all of the messages. There was no doubt that foul play was involved (well, either that or Carolyn needs to get her debugger out), and the FBI was summoned to investigate the case. Tom Ryan, having recently become an FBI agent, was assigned the investigation. Studying what little evidence he had about the victims, Tom reached the inevitable conclusion that the solution to this crime was somehow tied to the Chris Potter bulletin board.

As he drove up to Carolyn's house to search for clues, Tom noticed a shadowy figure outside among the bushes. He drew his pistol and quietly snuck up behind the stranger. "FBI! Place your arms where I can see them!", he commanded. As the stranger rose his arms, Tom could see that the man's hands were wrapped in bloody bandages. "What's that on your hands?", Tom inquired.

"Just lost a few fingers in a little accident", the stranger replied.

"Who are you and what are you doing here?", Tom queried.

"My name is Frank. Carolyn said that she didn't have a lot of free time to maintain the CP BBS, so I'm here to give her a helping hand... or what's left of it", Frank answered.

"So you know Carolyn Cooper through the Chris Preacher BBS?", Tom wondered.

"That's POTTER. The name's Potter", Frank said, rolling his eyes in mocking contempt.

"Whatever", Tom curtly blurted. "Answer the question".

"Actually, I'm her brother", Frank insisted.

"And where were you last evening?", Tom questioned.

"Where I usually am -- in bed with my sister", Frank replied.

Unlike Carolyn, Tom knew that he was getting nowhere with this suspect, and so he handcuffed Frank and took the man back to the station to lock him up overnight.

The next day, Frank was awakened in his cell by a weary Tom Ryan. "You're free to go", Tom acknowledged, as if he was disappointed to say it. Tom explained, "We just got a report of the disappearance last evening of another woman connected with the Chris Plumber BBS".

"That's POTTER", Frank indignantly snarled.

"No, it was Megan who vanished", Tom obliviously replied. "Actually, both her and her evil twin. But we're concerned only with Megan's disappearance. So obviously, you could not have committed the abduction".

Tom was desperate to find some lead in this case. Unfortunately, since the CP BBS messages had been erased, he no longer had that source of clues. As a final resort, he went to his computer, and attempted to log into the CP chat room. He cursed in frustration as the chat software repeatedly refused to gain him admittance. "Damn Macintosh computer!", he seethed. Quickly finding an IBM PC, he was able to effortlessly connect to and enter the chat room. There he found Debbie, Maria, and JG -- the 3 Chris Potter fans with no lives outside of this chat room -- waiting there as usual.

"Is this the Chris Pitcher Chat room?", Tom innocently typed.

"That's POTTER", JG responded.

"Whatever", Tom casually remarked. "I'd like to ask you some questions, JG".

"Yes, I'll marry you!", JG enthusiastically rejoined.

"No, I mean about the case", Tom quickly clarified. "How long have you been posting to the Chris Printer BBS?".

"That's POTTER!", Debbie anxiously interjected. "His name is Potter".

"Whatever", Tom impatiently blurted.

"I've been posting long enough for everyone to deduce that I've got a big mouth that is prone to spouting wisecracks", JG admitted.

"And within those 5 minutes, have you noticed any further disappearances?", Tom queried.

"None of us have heard from Mimi yet", Debbie announced. "But that could be because Mimi owns a Macintosh computer and cannot get her Java support to work with CPChat. She's extremely upset about that".

Supplied with this new lead, Tom obtained Mimi's home phone number via the DMV records and called her. When Mimi answered the phone, Tom introduced himself and asked her if she had noticed anything or anyone unusual lately.

"Yes I have", Mimi replied. "I just received my autographed copy of Chris Potter's new music CD. But, when I opened it and read the inscription, it didn't contain the expected message of 'Dear Mimi, Enjoy. Love Chris'. Instead, there was scrawled 'Mimi, you're next. Better watch out'. I don't know what to do with this CD!"

"Well, first you remove it from the container, and then you place it into your CD player, and then you press the Play button, and finally you wiggle your butt like a giddy teenager.", Tom explained. "But have you noticed anything else unusual besides your Chris Porter CD?"

"That's POTTER", Mimi declared.

"Whatever", Tom indifferently mumbled.

"No, I haven't", Mimi thoughtfully recalled.

"If you do, then call the police immediately or contact a nearby friend", Tom advised.

The next evening, Celia was just about to sit down at her computer, and waste several hours talking with other CP fanatics in chat, when her phone rang. It was Mimi on the line. Mimi sounded extremely distressed.

"Celia! You've got to come over right away!", Mimi shouted in a panic.

Celia was terrified. "What's wrong?!?", she frantically inquired. "Are you in trouble?"

"Celia, please! I'm afraid that...", Mimi's voice intoned, and then the line went dead.

Celia rushed to her car, and fearfully drove over to Mimi's home. As she cautiously approached the house, she could see that the front door was ajar and that all of the lights were off. She apprehensively stepped inside, and fumbled in the dark for a light switch. Flicking the lights on, she squinted at the deserted surroundings, searching for Mimi. But, there was no sign of her friend. Celia hesitantly inched forward toward the adjoining rooms.

"Mimi?", she meekly inquired, almost as if she was afraid of never hearing a reply.

As Celia made her way down an adjacent hallway, she could hear some muffled noises emanating from behind a closed wooden door. Drawing nearer to that entrance, she noticed that the door was secured with a large padlock. She also began to better discern the nature of those noises -- it was several, female voices speaking at once. She moved closer to the door, and once more asked "Mimi?". From behind the wooden blockade, she heard the distinctive voices of her CP BBS friends. "Julie? Monica? June?", she blurted in both astonishment and joy.

"Help get us out of here!", Pam desperately cried. "We're missing the first few minutes of a new Silk Stalkings EP!"

"I have to remove this padlock!", Celia emphatically declared, and she peered around for any implement that could aid her in her quest. Spying a nearby fire extinguisher hanging upon the wall, she grabbed the heavy, metal canister, and began to bash it against the rattling padlock. Soon, the dented lock broke apart and dropped to the floor.

As the door swung open, Celia found herself face to face with all of her missing friends. Everyone was there; Julie, June, Monica, Carolyn, and so on -- everyone except Mimi.

Lou anxiously rushed forward. "We've got to get out of here before Mimi...". Her agitated voice trailed off as her horrified eyes stared over Celia's shoulder. From behind her, Celia heard a familiar voice. Celia whirled about to face Mimi.

"Hello Celia", Mimi calmly announced. "Glad you could make it".

"Mimi! I've found everyone! They were all locked in your basement!", Celia happily declared, relieved to have found all of her friends alive and well.

"I know", Mimi cackled with a devious smile. "I put them there".

Celia's broad smile vanished in a confused look of bewilderment. "Mimi? Why?", Celia asked in astonishment.

"I had to", Mimi explained. "You all went to the CP Chat room. Monica, and Linda, and June...", she related, pointing to each person as she called out that person's name. "Everyone. Everyone but me. I couldn't get into the CP Chat room because I have a Macintosh, and its java support doesn't work with the chat software. You all stopped posting to the CP BBS after you discovered CP Chat. You left me behind... left me all alone".

The tiny tears that had welled up in the corners of her eyes now began to trickle down her whimpering cheeks, and her pouting, lower lip trembled in sorrow.

"I had no one left to talk to about Chris Potter -- no one to nod in agreement when I professed what a great actor he is, no one with whom to ponder what movie roles best suit his talents, no one to share in a discussion about his hair and clothes, not even Monica". Mimi paused to dab at her sad, moistened eyes. "All I had was my husband and brothers, and they aren't sympathetic ears at all. For god sakes, they're men! Need I say more?", she cried in anguish.

"So, I kidnapped everyone from the BBS so that I could once again have people with whom to talk about Chris".

"Oh Mimi...", Celia intoned in saddened regret as she started toward her distraught friend.

"Stop!", Mimi angrily shouted. "I won't let you leave and go back to CP Chat! Don't move or I'll set fire to this CP picture!". And with that, Mimi held up a glossy photograph of Chris Potter in one hand, and with the other hand, brandished a butane lighter below the picture.

"Oh NO, don't!", Brenda K shouted from behind Celia. "He's wearing a blue turtleneck!".

Suddenly, Tom Ryan appeared behind Mimi, his gun drawn and aimed.

"It's all over, Mimi", he firmly declared. "I know that you faked that story about your CD inscription to throw me off of the trail. Cassy also ordered the CD and her inscription read 'You're next. Better watch out' as well. Now put down the butane lighter, and let's talk about this. You're just stressed out from not being able to go to Chris Painter Chat", he opined.

"That's POTTER!", Mimi defiantly insisted.

"Whatever", Tom stoically remarked. "Mimi, we'll check you into a place where you can recuperate with non-stop Chris Planter TV programs without any wisecracks from your husband or brothers".

"The name is POTTER!", Mimi angrily repeated.

"Whatever", Tom intoned in exasperation. "Just set down that lighter, and come with me".

Mimi's lower lip abruptly stopped its trembling, and her anxious gaze peered over at Tom. "Come with you, Tom?", she meekly asked, as if to confirm what she had just heard.

"Yes", answered Tom. For a brief second, Mimi pondered this idea. She glanced at the picture of Chris Potter, and then gazed over into Tom's soft, brown eyes and virile features.

"OK", she blurted with a sudden, contented smile, and nonchalantly tossed the CP picture over her shrugging shoulder. Tom was almost knocked backward as she leaped up into his strong arms.

"Take me away and I'll forget all about this Chris Putter", she gleefully offered.

From behind her, a dozen woman's voices simultaneously blurted out, "That's POTTER!!!".

"Whatever", Mimi hypnotically replied while she gazed into Tom's gentle eyes.

As he gingerly carried her out, Mimi could be heard to ask "Do they have any Mac computers at this place, Tom?".

In relief, Tom sighed, "No Mimi, they have only IBM PCs".

With Mimi now in custody, the freed captives moved toward the exit, anxious to once again be reunited with their relieved families. June furtively lingered behind. "Are you coming, June?", Sarah called back over her shoulder.

"I'll be right along. You go ahead", June reassured her inquiring friend. June's scrutinous eye watched as the last few women got into their cars, and headed back toward their homes. When she was certain that all had departed, her gaze peered down at the discarded Chris Potter photograph lying upon the floor. With a whoop of ecstatic victory, June leaped across the tiled linoleum and snatched up the glossy print, pressing her face snugly against the smiling image of her favorite actor as she heaped steaming kisses upon his two-dimensional lips. "Oh Chris... Chris... Chris...", she mumbled inbetween the continuous smacking of her own warm lips.

From above her, a deep, masculine voice interrupted her passionate escapade. "Actually, the name is Peter. Peter Caine", the voice boldly announced.

June froze in stunned embarrassment as if her lack of movement would help her to escape notice. Her curious pupils rotated upward in the direction of the voice. There, hovering above her, was an incredibly handsome, young detective, dressed in a faded pair of blue jeans, a seductive leather jacket, and a shirt that had enough open buttons to show a generous portion of his strong chest. At the mere sight of this gorgeous vision, June faintly whimpered in surrender to his irresistible virility.

"I had a call on my police radio to report to this address", Peter explained. "Is there any trouble?"

With as much dignity as she could muster under the circumstances, June quickly scrambled to her feet, covertly dropping the picture upon the floor behind her. "No. Everything has been taken care of", June insisted. "I'm just helping my friend Mimi clean up here".

"OK then. Have a nice evening", Peter replied, and turned toward the exit. June's bulging eyes instinctively dropped down to focus upon the seat of his skin-tight wrangler jeans. As she watched Peter's swaying pelvis glide toward the door, she abruptly called out, "Oh officer?".

"Yes?", Peter responded as he turned to address her once more.

"I could use a ride back to my own home, if you'd be so kind", she meekly requested.

"Of course", Peter answered with a warm smile. "I believe that I've got room for you in my stealth". With that, he motioned for June to follow along, and strode out the door.

June quickly took a deep breath, and started toward the exit, only to abruptly halt in mid-step. She glanced back over her shoulder at the glossy photograph of Chris Potter on the floor behind her, and eagerly bent down to scoop it up. Gazing lovingly at the image of Chris, she gently cooed to it as if it could understand her words, "You're coming along too. I'm at that age now when I'm going to need *both* of you to satisfy me".

A few days later, the CP BBS was back up and running. Everyone had returned to their normal routines, although folks were now much more sensitive to any unusual signs of trouble. It was at that point that it occurred to someone that Jule had not been heard from in quite a while. "What about Jule?", Louise Mah nervously inquired. "I haven't seen her post to the board lately, and she hasn't responded to any email. That's not like Jule at all".

"I heard that she was forced to go back to college as a result of a stipulation in her state's unemployment program, and has been extremely busy with exams and studies", replied Beverly. "Her new email address is not working either, but the state can't fix *that*".

Unbeknownst to the other members of the BBS, Jule had actually acquired a new job. The unemployment office had gotten her a position driving the Zamboni machine at the Celebrity Hockey Games in which Chris Potter often played.

One day, as Jule was smoothing the ice, she noticed a figure skating around the goal. He was dressed in his full hockey uniform, and appeared to be practicing various angled shots. Jule couldn't quite make out who it was beneath his large face mask. But, as she steered the Zamboni machine closer and closer, his obscured features began to take on a familiar appeal. All at once, Jule realized that she was staring at Chris Potter himself. Gasping in shock, her whole body immediately went numb at the realization that she was actually face to face with her all-time favorite actor. She was so absorbed in watching him swing his hockey stick that she never noticed that the Zamboni machine was quickly bearing down upon her beloved celebrity. And with his back turned to her and his ears buried inside of that heavy hockey headgear, Chris never heard the imminent approach of the huge machine... until it was too late. Startled by the sound of cracking wood, Jule quickly snapped out of her daze and stomped upon the brake of the lurching vehicle. Screaming in terror, she jumped down and rushed around to the front of the machine, there to discover that she had crushed Chris' favorite hockey stick, and badly bruised the man himself.

Hoisting Chris over her shoulder with brute determination, she carried him to her car, and dashed him to the nearest emergency room. As the doctors attended to Chris' wounds, Jule devotedly sat beside him and held his hand, anxiously waitingfor him to regain conciousness.

Awaking from his groggy stupor, Chris gazed up at Jule. His eyes flashed with recognition at the sight of her face hovering over him. "You...", he faintly croaked.

Jule wept in anguished guilt. "I'm sorry", she cried. "I'm so sorry!".

"Sorry?", Chris perplexedly queried. "You saved my life. If it hadn't have been for you being there to stop the machine, and rush me to the hospital, I would surely be dead. I'm eternally grateful. If I were only single, I would have asked you to marry me".

Jule gasped in stunned shock. But before she could say anything, she felt the nurse's hand upon her shoulder.

"Mr. Potter needs his rest now", the nurse kindly noted.

As Jule returned to the stadium, her curious mind mentally replayed Chris' words over and over "If I were only single, I would have asked you to marry me". She couldn't help but conclude that, if only Chris had not already had a wife, this disasterous accident may have actually been the start of the most passionate
romance of her life. "If I were only single" she visualized him saying. "I would have asked you to marry me". Again and again, the words haunted her, as if they were part of some grisly joke that cruel fate had played upon her. She would have gladly driven that Zamboni machine over her beloved a thousand times, if only upon that one thousandth time, he had instead said "Marry me, Jule".

Stepping out onto the hockey rink, she abruptly froze at the sight of a familiar figure skating toward her. "It can't be!", Jule muttered to herself. "I just left him at the hospital!". Her jaw dropped as Chris Potter's identical twin slid up beside her, with a cocky grin plastered across his devilishly handsome face. But this Chris had a different haircut, and a slightly more brash attitude.

"Hi-yah!", he boldly announced. "I'm Wolf Gannett, star of Kung Fu movies. I'm sure you've seen me. I'm playing in the Celebrity Hockey Game. Seems this Potter guy got a little squashed, and they asked me to fill in for him".

Jule stared in amazed awe at the most beautiful vision of virity she had ever seen. Her weakened knees almost buckled as his lip curled upward to form a cute, dimpled smile. "Are you married, Wolf?", she hopefully inquired.

"Naw!", he smugly boasted. "I'm wild and single".

"Well!", Jule enthusiastically blurted. "I can't be standing here talking all day. I've got a job to do". And with that, she slyly winked at Wolf, and energetically raced toward the Zamboni machine.

THE END